Not " D "

It's not exactly distance.

It's not that I'm changing... Yet...

It's not about how I'm handling things.

It's not about how I'm thinking.

It's about being exposed to a new environment where I simply cannot or refuse to blend in to.

I know you're afraid of me changing. I am too. Why do you think I've avoided people that could and would influence me to cross the line?

I don't want to change. If I do, I would and will lose everything that I have in my life now. Including you.

If I change I would look at things differently and feel and react differently. I know what change does to a person.

But I also know what finding out things you never knew about your loved one does to you.

I knew all along that you are complicated, hard to read, have depth that is bottomless, and unique. Different from any other.

I knew I had to be wary. I knew I had to take care because I could easily hurt you without realizing it. I was trying to do so. Have managed to pull through until this present moment.

This morning, I nearly lost you. I almost lost all that I have been craving for all my life. I almost lost my life.

I long to know you more, to know every single detail. I want to be able to understand what you're feeling and what you crave for the most.

But I don't want to learn them by hurting you. I don't want your dreams to crash and burn because of what I didn't realize I was doing.

I don't want to make you feel as if I'm trying to push you away or I'm putting someone else before you.

But, love, please understand that I have never met anyone like you and I never will. Sometimes, I get afraid of the things that I have yet to find out.

I'm afraid that if I don't know it now, I will find out by other means and regret my whole life for affecting you in that way.

Sometimes, I think you're better off without me.

This morning, even when everything was alright, it hurt to know that I don't know what I'm doing to you.

I didn't realize how far deep I confused you and hurt you until you told me this morning.

I'm sorry. I truly and deeply am sorry.

I'm not leaving.. I can't.. I can't bare to leave..

I need you as much as you need me.

But Izz.. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of what is going to happen next.

Sooner or later I'm bound to hurt you again. I don't know if I can explain why I did it because with you, everything is different.

With you, everything is exquisite. With you, my world just shines. With you, every single thing I do is worth it because I do it for you. With you, it's complicated and complex.

I can't smile not because your voice doesn't help me.

I can't smile not because I don't love or I don't know if you love me.

I can't smile not because I cannot be strong for you.

Truth is, your voice does help.

Truth is, I know you love me and I know you understand me more than anyone else I've known. I know we can make this last a lifetime.

Truth is, I can be strong for you because you're still with me after all I've done to you.

But I can't smile because I hate myself for treating you the way I treated you. I can't smile because I know I shouldn't have done it but I did it anyway. I can't smile because I dragged you into something we didn't need to face on top of all the problems we do face because of distance.

But I do love you Izzy. I do.

I'm really and truly sorry.

I owe you a smile..

=' ]

It's not as big as you want it to be but that's all the strength I have in me to smile.

For you, I will..

A thousand times for you, I will.

As long as I make you happy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything I've done.

I'm sorry I love you this much that I can't let you go.

I'm sorry.

I love you. AhAw S2

No End

Love does not end unless you want it to.

Love doesn't end even if you're both sepearated.

There is no such thing as a Break Up if you still love each other.

You both still have each other as long as you are willing to give yourselves for each other.

You will go to all ends of the world for a loved one, and trust me, that will never end.

You have to go through hardships in relationships.

Some may go through more difficult ones.

But together, you will get through it. No matter what it is.

You just have to hold on.

It will work out if you both want it to.

Love can do miracles. You just have to start believing.

Believe God will be there to help the both of you

Believe that friends will be there to help you along the way.

Remember that we have our shoulders ready for you to lean or cry on.

Remember that you're doing this to mke it through to a better ending.

Believe and have faith.

Have confidence and be assured.

Assure each other in secret.

Have secret moments together.

Wait for the future where things will get easier.

Have strength to pull through.

Have a strong heart and once in a while when all seems at loss..

Have a stubborn and ungiving heart.



ALWAYS HAVE LOVE




P.S.
A dedication. You know who you are. We all love you and will always be here for the both of you.

A thousand Apologies

You know I've tried and tried, again and again and yeah.. You've guess it...


AGAIN...


But I just never found anything to blog about!

Sorry.. Really really sorry...

I just left this blog to die here. Sigh..

At least give me credit for at least doing it now? Even if it is lame.. -.-

Haven't been back for a long time. I'll probably see all of the guys at the Anugerah Cemerlang next Sat.

It's been ages, huh?

I need to see many teachers as well. Itching to know how everyone is doing.

Musical night tonight. Freaking out... Phew... *gasps for air*

Okay.. Okay.. I can do this!! Just be like a white and be engrossed in the music and my short, stumpy, fat fingers!!

Will tell you guys how it goes. You know the Musical thingy starts at 6pm but there is athletics practice at 5pm? God!!!

End of term is coming.. *YAY!!!* 3 weeks to myself and anything I want to do! Heh.. Not..

See how it goes la. But term end next week. I simplay can't wait. =D

Isn't this post long enough?!!

Sorry Sorry!!

Catch you guys later.


-Melz-

P.S. Bbppzz!!! =P

Kalau Hati ini Selimut, Hidup dan Dirimu tidak akan pernah Kedinginan.

2 pounds, 9 ounces, 250 grams

I love you.

No hearts.

No pictures.

No poems.

No cryptic messages.

No lies. No deceit.

No underneath message.

No double-faced act.

3 words that mean a lot.

Yet so simple to understand and comprehend.

Accept it, it's the truth.

Why is it so hard to believe 3 innocent beautiful words?

Just, I love you.





And that's straight from the heart..








I love you Izz..

Nothing attached..

Not lies, not daftness, not merely speaking a joke.



Just I love you..



-Melz-

Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year guys.. =]


Visiting Joe Ee's blog, I feel obliged to blog about recent updates.

KTJ had their cross country last Friday. 3.5 km. 2 flights of steps, 4 fields. Complicated. All on the grounds of the school.

It went fine. Was actually a good day. Sunway Lagoon trip will be for Jawahir girls as our housemistress said we earned it.. =P

Can I see you guys there if I tell you what time we'll be there and what not? XD

Mmmm.. Mum, Dan and I had our "special" reunion dinner yesterday. Everybody on the chinese side is at London this year. So we had Pizza for dinner yesterday. Way to promote the Chinese New Year spirit man!!

Sigh.. Actually.. I'm not really in the mood. Nothing special about this holiday. Yet.

What else?

Oh yeah... Last wishes..

Have a prosperous new year.

Catch you guys later.

-Melz-

2009

Looks like everybody has new year resolutions and many that I know from Mutiara are gone. Okay, fine. Not many. But still?!!

Results day was a surprising explosion of being terrified, calm and excited all in one go. =]
Don't ask that "famous question". I won't tell you.

Now that everyone is in form 4, I can finally relate my studies with you. BIG relief, trust me. I'm stuck here again. It has only been 5 days and i'm getting sick of studying already. XP

But I have to admit I'd rather study than not. Sigh. Kinda feel like I want everything to just stop so I can take a moment and just, breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

*Poof* Here comes reality. Back to the non-stop buzz. One of my friends here at KTJ is really homesick and she's decided to go back to her old school. Lucky much? =]

Oh, the theme for this month's game event is Cross Country. So, every other day we'll be running. Thighs actually hurt. After 5 days! Never was the sports kinda girl, what do you expect? Heheh.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything else to update about. So....

Catch you guys later and study hard.

-Melz- 143,4

Tagged by Who Else?

Directions : Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment (''You're tagged!'') and to read your blog, you can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me, let me know when you've posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.





One : Am an absolute chocolate maniac.



Two : I have one blood brother but many " sisters and brothers ".



Three : Weird Inside and Out.



Four : Learned to love and trust someone other than my sisters and brothers completely on the 09.04.08.



Five : Loved music more after that date as well.



Six : Loves BR ice-cream best among all the other ice-cream brands.



Seven : I have a someone in my life which I cannot live without.



Eight : Ambition- To be a Gynecologist



Nine : Detests Rats and Cockroaches to the extreme.



Ten : Blue, Red and Black are my favorite colours.



Eleven : I hope to have what I/we have now till time stops.


Twelve : Fell in love with the song "A little too not over you" by David Archuletta.


Thirteen : I admit i'm happy I didn't let anyone down with my PMR results.


Fourteen : Wishes to be someone who is comfortable in every surrounding and adapts well.


Fifteen : Being in KTJ makes me treasure time at Home more.


Sixteen : If Izzy ever does this again.. >.<


-Melz-